MY MAD MAD MAD LIFE

My mothers journey

2010-03-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

Today is March 1st 2010 and today is the day we find out if my mothers IBC ( Inflammatory Breast Cancer ) has spread to anywhere else in her body.

Abouth a month ago my mother confided in me that she had a funny spot on her breast. " Its not a lump " she told me its just a funny discoloration spot. " It doesnt hurt " I told her you still better get it checked out. She was having pain in her bowels also and leg pain for quite some time. When her bowel pain got to be to much my dad took her to the hospital turned out she had Diverticulitis. Its a disease of the bowels, that causes pockets to form on them. While she was there I told my brother about " the spot " He called and told her Dr. It has been a blur of a week and 1/2 since then. They did a biopsy and found it was positive for cancer. They called her a week ago Monday and told her it was IBC. IBC is very rare it only account for 1 to 2% of all breast cancers. Its also extremely aggressive. It metastisizes very quickly and easily. I have been an emotional wreck since. One day I am strong and confident that we are going to beat this and its all going to be ok, and the next week I am crying my eyes out and scared to death. I cannot imagine how my mother feels. So far shes in good spirit and strong and confident. I hope she stays this way because having a strong confident head about it is 1/2 the battle. I dont want her to give in and give up. My mother lost her mother to the battle of cancer when my mom was only in her early 30's ..Yes by rights Ive had my mother longer then that but Im not ready to let go yet. So with a strong heart and a level head I have researched this disease tirelessly. There are a few sites Id like to pass on.... BE INFORMED this cancer alot of women have no idea it exsists...It doesnt present as a lump so it can be easily misdiagnosed as an infection.. Check out the web sites I provide and I will add more as I learn on more for now please check these out do yourself a favor .... www.eraseibc.com also www.ibcresearch.org/symptoms

Call me Mrs that Adam

2009-06-16T23:36:00.001-07:00

Saturday June 6th, I married my love. It was a simple but nice home ceremony. I have officially been married for over a week....lol. We spent that last week in Florida. If any of you ever are thinking of going to Florida in June take my advise..........DONT. Wow was it HOT. Upper 90's with 75% humidity which leaves it feeling like its anywhere from 100 to about 105. Dont get me wrong I had a blast. The beach was awesome and we did 4 theme parks, Animal Kingdon, Magic Kingdom, Epcot and Hollywood Studios. We went downtown Disney and went to see the Cirque Du Soleil. If you ever get the chance to see that GOOOOOOOO. It was awesome. We went to a dinner theater Medieval Times. That was a trip. We checked out Ripleys beleive it or not. That was cool. All in all we had a great time minus the heat. It sure was good to come home though. Today was Kendras baby shower which was very nice. She got some great things from all of my great family and friends. Thanks to everyone. Now hopefully we can get back to normal

One down one to go

2009-05-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well my little girl has graduated. Its a done deal. Last night was graduation and today was her open house. It all went real well and we didnt run out of food or drinks. Everything turned out good and we had great company there for her open house. It wasnt real big but thats ok we wanted fairly small. I have one stress behind me now one more to go and then I can truly relax!!!

Holy Cow

2009-05-27T21:35:00.001-07:00

Ok so I have been so very very busy and its been forever since I have posted sheeeeeeeeesh. Well we are sitting at 8 days till the big wedding. Yes 8 days crazy huh? Where has the time gone. Im going insane with all these final last minute details. Ill be glad when it all comes together. This Friday Kendra graduates and Saturday is her open house. I have so much to do. I just hope I dont forget something along the way

Kendra had her ultrasound and I am having a Granddaughter YEAHHHH.....a baby girl. Ive already bought up a bunch of stuff for her. Baby shower coming up on the 16th of June. Which we are having at my house so Ive come to the conclusion that.....

Truely I lead a mad mad mad life

Stupid Virus inveters

2009-04-25T05:51:00.000-07:00

Ok so I know Im not completely computer illeterate but come on!! I got a message from my Norton Antivirus program at about 9:45 last night telling me that I had a trojan on my computer. Some funky thing named Trojan Bris vA.....( who names these things? )Apparantly it came from a media file, ( I blame Adam and his music and movie obscession ) Anyway I did a removal on my Norton and to my dismay Norton was unable to remove the virus. Apparantly I needed to download a removal tool, and do it manually. Ok how hard can that be right? WRONG!!! Ugh another question I have who decides how these programs work? Ok I can do this I said to myself. I went into Norton page and clicked on the download tool this whole looong page pulls up and I do mean long telling me that I need to run this removal in safe mode. ???? Yes I know what safe mode is however Im just wondering to myself why? So I switched to safe mode and I tried to re-access the Norton page I had..Yeah no can do. UGH by now its 10:30 pm and Im frustrated beyond repair. No Norton repair tool is going to help me. I now needed a safe mode. So I restarted in normal mode and went to bed saying forget it. However it took me till 1 to fall asleep wondering what this nasty little bugger was doing to my computer. What kind of damage it might be inflicting. Then Im awake at 6 am with Trojan Bris vA back on my mind. I get back on the computer and pull up Norton again and re read everything I couldnt figure out last night. What they dont tell you is you need to download the program first and save it to your desk top then restart in safe mode and run the removal tool. Oh theres alot more they told me and didnt tell me that was inaccurate but Ill save you all the details suffice to say I have a clean computer now and Trojan Bris vA is all but a bad memory. One I hope to quit seething over soon. Honestly I think these people who come up with these stupid viruses need to be drug out into the street and I dont humilated at the very least. Do they have nothing better to do then mess with peoples computers how pathetic do you have to be. The worst is their handy work preys on people like me who arent totally computer illeterate yet Im not a computer genius. So Im wondering I dont have alot to share on my computer I mean if they steal my passwords they arent going to get much. Maybe access to my facebook or my my space.....Or my blog...so in closing if they are so smart with computers Im guessing they dont need my blog they can create their own..SOOOOOOOO they really arent that smart then are they?

April 19th 1991

2009-04-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

Wow alot happened back on April 19th 1991......Remember the dentist that had HIV he notified all his patients on that day. Senators were pushing Bush to sign on the Childrens rights treaty. Iraq gave the UN its details on its chemical a-arms. The Navy was sued over the sailors deaths on the USS Iowa. Stanley Garage doors were recalled. Some of the tops movies...Silence of the Lambs, Sleeping with the Enemy, Out for Justice. I've Been Thinking About You" by Londonbeat was a top hit in music. The average price of a dozen eggs in 91 was $1.01. The average price for a gallon of gas was about $1.40. You know what else was happening on April 19th 1991.......Kendra Michelle Sorenson was born. My oldest daughter. Yes thats right she is 18 today. 18 years ago I was laying in a hospital bed giving birth. Time has gone so fast and my little girl is a woman now. Im reflective today , Im sad but happy. I would love to go back for just a day and hold her close smell her wonderful baby scented head. Beathe in her innocence and remember every little detail about her at that moment. Hold on to and make every minute as long as possible. Of course I cant so I will make every 18 year old minute what I can today because befor I know it shell be turning 30 and she wont even be my teenager anymore.

Its my wedding isnt it?

2009-04-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter to everyone. I hope everyone had a wonderful blessed Easter with the people they love the most, I know I did. Ok that said let me get to my rant...
Adam and I decided when he proposed we didnt want a huge wedding something small a few of our closest friends and family. As Ive stated in previous posts that we decided to have it here at our home. After pleadings and discusions about weather we finally moved the reception and added a dance both to be held at the Backus legion. It wasnt what I wanted but we did it and made some peace on the subject. I thought that would make some happiness on the whole thing......wrooooooooooong. My mother in law to be is insistant that she would like our wedding in a church. Its not that Im against churches quite the opposite. I just want mine how we planned it. Small and at home!!! So today all I heard was "Oh dont you want a church wedding? " NO I DONT. How many times do I have to say it. For once my mother came through for me when she asked my mom she said you know they could have gone to the justice of the peace it doesnt really matter...THANKS MOM!!! and I do mean that. My mother in law is making me feel like everything I want is wrong not good enough. To make matters worse she gave me her guest list. It goes beyond small. I dont have enough chairs for all this. Or food. Now all of a sudden baked beans have been added to my menu, I didnt want that either. After the day is done and people have gone home, Adam turns to me and says maybe we should have a church wedding. Ok so now Im crushed because once again my ideas and plans arent good enough. Am I being petty?

Time for change

2009-04-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Its that time of year....Spring!! It means the end of winter no snow..warmer temps...lighter out. It also means new kids at work. i have been through 9 springs at work. Its always a time of loosing some workers and gaining new. Its a tough time really. For me because I love our crew of kids at DQ. They are awesome. I cry every year when some leave and move on. I love seeing them grow and change and move on to other things but in the same breath its hard letting go. I know Im a sentimental fool huh? I love training the new kids in and seeing that innocent face....lol It doesnt last long trust me. Its always the same thing...New kids come in eager to work. Trust me once they are trained in people take advantage of their eagerness. It doesnt last long. They realize soon that you can burn out!! So I have 3 new kids coming in to work. Tomorrow I start my training with one of them and I look forward to it Im excited and yet 2 girls have left DQ and Im sad..

2 months

2009-04-08T12:05:00.001-07:00

Ok its getting down to the wire. I have 2 months to pull this wedding together and I think Im doing great. My fiance on the other hand has one task to complete. THE HONEYMOON. We agreed that we wanted to go to Florida. Ive never been there, he has, but loves it. My dream of Florida is a sandy white beach.....ahhhhhhhhh......ok reality thats not exactly where we are going in Florida. Orlando is our destination, but its all ok because we are going to take one day to take me to the beach.....that is if we actually get there. Yeah see its 2 months until this is all supposed to take place and he hasnt booked the tickets yet. Why you may ask...Im not sure because like everything else Adam is a procrastinator. So I wait and I dont say anything. We have the place we want we found it on Priceline so it really isnt that hard. Yet for some reason his fingers cant seem to punch in the BOOK IT button. So maybe we wont end up in Florida for our Honeymoon. I guess Duluth doesnt look so bad huh? I dont know where to find a sandy white beach in Duluth though so if anybody does let me know Im open to suggestions

Really sick

2009-04-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

This is short but sweet today. This weekend I am really sick. I mean really. I had the stomache flu all day yesterday. I started feeling like I wasnt going to unload something around 8ish last night. I slept from 11 till 8 this morning and woke up feeling like I was dropped from a 12 story building. It hurts to type. It hurts to breathe so even though Im going to quit typing here I will contunue to breathe. Enjoy your Sunday everyone Im headed back to bed

tired, stressed, and all that

2009-03-30T06:16:00.000-07:00

So I knew it would come down to this.......Im sick. Yes of course the burning the candle at both ends and running ragged has finally taken its toll. For those of you who dont know I have stomache issues. No we dont know what it is. some form of an IBS but as to what they are stumped. I have had numerous blood tests and barium swallows and ultasounds and colonoscopys and endoscopies. For awhile I was on medicine for ulcerative colitis but the blood tests confirmed it wasnt that so now we just have no clue. For some reason I seemed to be on a remission the past few months. Sure I still had a little problem here and there but it was bearable. Now it has hit me and Im sure its stress induced, so Im back being chained to the bathroom and feeling wore out. I also have an earache. Not sure what that means but its there and its making me a little dizzy and feeling out of balance.

On top of all of this Im having to constantly tell my mother in law ( whom I love dont get me wrong ) that I am NOY having a church wedding. Not because Im against them not in the least. I just want to have mine at home in my yard. I had a church wedding befor with the BIG guest list and all. Ive done that and I wanted something different. I would have loved to get married on the beach but lets face it......beaches are hard to come by in Minnesota. So I decided an outdoor wedding was what I was going to do. I AM THE BRIDE!!!.....lol. Its my vision and Im sticking to it!!!!

2009-03-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Ok so Ive been trying to think of exciting mind boggling even blog ideas and nothing has come to mind ( probably because my mind is wrapped around weddings and open houses and grandbabies ) So re cap of my life the past few days

Wedding plans are comming along. Invites are done, bouquests are made, tuxes rented, tables center pieces are done. I have all the utensils bought. I have the canopy and chairs rented. My dress has been altered and the girls dresses orderd. We have jewlry and shoes and head pieces. I made the wedding programs last night. SIGHHHHHHHH its been a long month. We did decided yesterday we are going to have the reception at the Legion hall. It will be easier, and if the weather isnt good then we have a back up. We also decided to have a flower girl. My good friend Sheenas little girl whom I love dearly Rhianna is going to be our flower girl. Shes adorable and Im excited to have her in our wedding. We met with our minister yesterday and ironed out some details. I worked on Kendras picture board last night for her open house.....you see this is why the world could be falling into space and I wouldnt know and couldnt possibly tell you about it. However if you want to know where to pick up some cheap decorative rock Im your go to woman!!!

to much to do

2009-02-28T05:07:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend proposed........yep thats right proposed. It wasnt like all romantic and gushy. It was out of the blue and totally Adam style which makes it all the more better. So whithin a couple of days Im asking what date did you have in mind. I kinda figured hed gotten the proposal out it might take him awhile to nail down a specific date. Nope not my over procrastinating boyfriend um er finace. June 6th 2009.....yeah 2009. I have 3 and 1/2 months to plan a wedding. I can do Im crafty Im organized and I have lots of awesome friends and family that would love to help.
So Yesterday due to a snowstorm Kaylee was home and we decided to head to Brainerd to look at wedding gowns and bridesmaid gown etc. I am having both of my daughters stand up for me. We went over to VIP Bridal. They were awesome and I found the perfect dress for myself and the girls. We had a little lunch and went to look for wedding stuff......you know cups plates decorations etc. Now Im having my wedding at home so Im doing all the creations myself. I made my bouquet and the girls's too. Silk flowers all at 40% off at Joannes fabrics. Ribbon too. We sat and tied little decorations to 48 bubbles bottles and we put together 8 little brandy snifters with decorations in them and also 4 fish bowls with candles and decorations in them last night. Im no Martha Stewart but I think they look awesome. Simple and homemade and pretty. PERFECT!! Of course most of this is lost on Adam as I showed him my creations one at a time when I completed them. I told him simple and I guess his idea of simple was me wearing a gunny sac and maybe picking a flower out of the garden to hold onto. I dont know. He kept saying hmmmm thought we wernt going to spend alot of money. UMMM ok I thought I did really good. Honestly 85% of my decorations and supplies I got at the dollar store. I outfitted us with a complete dinner, and cake servive, plates, bowls, napkins, glasses, serving dishes, coffe cups, salt and pepper shakers, serving spoons, all my bubble bottels and decorations for them, my other outside decorations, card basket, table clothes, and numerous other things along with some sani wipes because lets face it stuff is dirty for drum roll....................$90 pretty darn good huh? I spent ...............$55 on flowers...... $70 on jewlry for me and the girls ...yeah I know awesome!!! Ok Ok so I did spend $1,000 on dresses, shoes, headpeices but I still dont think thats bad really? Do you?

life has a way of moving on

2009-02-15T19:55:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be two weeks....not that Im a masochist, but I dont ever want to pretend that nothing happened either. I lost a baby and that will always remain a part of my life. These days I dont break out in tears very often so Im healing. Sometimes in the shower I get teary eyed and let the water works flow. I keep reminding myself that in a short couple of months we should be given a green light to try to get pregnant. Thats exciting!!! Im ready and Im anxiously awaiting to see the magical + sign again. Hope everyone had a wonderful Valentines day. I did!!

Back to life

2009-02-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

Today is Saturday and today I go back to work. Im apprehensive...I dont want alot of attention and hugs and appologies. I want to carry myself with some dignity. Its nice to know people care dont get me wrong but its hard to conduct yourself in a matter that doesnt involve a breakdown when theres someone asking you about it all the time. It doesnt help for me to have to give the details of what happened. It re lives it for me. Right now Im concentrating on getting through the after math. I have to say there have been a hand full of people who have really truly helped me alot!!! My dear friend Cara who I have pestered with 1,001 questions and she has patiently answered and given advise on every one of them. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! My youngest daughter whom without her I dont know what I would have done. She had given me more back rubs and foot rubs then I deserve and I am blessed to have her as my daughter. Savannah and her lovely note she sent me you will never know how much those little things mean!! Evryone who sent flowers from DQ they are beautiful. Everyone who has sent messages and condolences. You caring has meant so much to me. Dont feel bad if you didnt call honestly I couldnt talk really any way it was to tough. I found it easier to message on the computer. So now I am heading back into the world and hoping that I dont get alot of people talking to me about "what happened " I dont know what happened all I know is it happened and it hurt and its more helpful to not have to give details just yet... because honestly I dont want to cry anymore.

Insult to inujury

2009-02-05T06:32:00.000-08:00

I am 3 days into my journey after my miscarriage. No one ever tells you that there is so much pain. Im here to tell you that there is. Emotionally Im doing much better. Mentally Im in a better place too. Physically this sucks. I have never had a period that hurt or where I bled so much. The cramps that I had during the miscarriage were tremondous. I felt like I was in a lower level labor. I have also bled more since they said that the miscarriage was complete then when I was actually going through it. Is this normal? I havent researched it on line yet so Im going to do that soon. The Dr seemed to think I wouldnt bleed much longer as the ultrsound confirmed that the sac was gone however this is pretty extreme. I am wearing 2 maxi pads. Not just any pads but the ones that are as big as a diaper. The cramps are extreme. My back quit hurting but I feel as though everything female inside my body is going to plummet outside of me at any time. To me that is insult to injury. To still be bleeding is such a constant reminder. To still be hurting so much is ridiculous. Im still taking vicodin for the pain. I try to hold out as long as I can then Im in so much pain it takes forever to kick in.
However things I must tell you about my experience. I found that my boyfriend is the best I could ever ask for. I love him more each day but through this I have found that I am the luckiest girl on earth. He is the most supportive loving man I could ever ask for. When I was sitting on the bathroom floor puking and crying he held me and helped me up laid me down and covered me up. He knows just when to be sympethetic and when to try to make me laugh. He knows when to be there and when to back off. It fills me with love when I look at him to know that he put aside his own grief to take of me. How awesome is that? So for his birthday whioch is comming up on the 19th. I decided I was going to get him Timberwolves tickets. A time for us to bond get away. I booked awesome tickets and booked a 2 days hotel stay down in the cities. I told him about it when he got home from work. First he said OMG this is awesome!!! The he told me I spent to much ( which I did ) So I told him I said I thought this was a time for us to get away and reconnect........He looked at me and said "when did we disconnect?" How can you not love this man?

Pain beyond pain

2009-02-03T04:27:00.000-08:00

This weekend started things in motion. I started spotting. Beyond everyone telling me that it didnt mean anything, I knew in my heart that it did. Sunday I was feeling better and had stopped and actually thought maybe they are right. Or at least I tried to convice myself of this. Yesterday I started spotting and cramping again and we rushed down to the Hospital. I passed numerous clots that I knew was my pregnancy. After waiting for hours and going through more blood tests and ultrasounds, I was told what I already knew my baby was gone. I dont think I have ever felt that kind of pain. Physically it hurt I couldnt hardly walk I was hurting so much which only compounded the emotional pain. I would never wish this on anyone. I feel as though someone has ripped my guts out. Even vicodin doesnt take away the reality. I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed Adam. I feel so guilty for bringing this pain on my family. It was the worst telling my little Kaylee she was so excited. Its a feeling that your body betrayed you. I asked why me so many times. Then I was angry.... I only slept about 2 hours last night. I know life will go on and things will get better but for now Im just praying for healing and peace

Another rough day

2009-01-29T18:44:00.001-08:00

Well today I had another appointment. Yet another ultrasound. This time she seemed to think the crown to rump measurements were not big enough so I went for yet another blood test which I wont have the results for till tomorrow sometime. Small growth means that the pregnancy might not be viable. Meaning I might miscarry, so they are checking my hormone levels to see if they have increased. Yeah what a blow huh? I will know tomorrow what the results are. If the hormone levels are the same or increased then its all good. If they have decreaded then it doesnt look good I guess. I dont know. Im trying not to fret about it but what a rocky emotional 3 weeks it has been. First I find out I am pregnant which I had no intentions on becomming. So I try to wrap my mind around that. I get kinda used to the idea and start to get excited then I have all these road blocks. It wasnt this difficult with my girls. I was pregnant and that was that no tests no internal ultrsounds. I dont know whats worse not knowing or knowing theres a glitch and worrying. Its weird you know you never really think about all the things that can go wrong when you are pregnant. Anyway Im tired and beat and stressed to the max so for those of you who are firm believers in prayer please include me in on yours if you would.

6 weeks

2009-01-28T11:51:00.000-08:00

Well I guess I am offically 6 weeks into my pregnancy......wow how time flys, NOT! I now have really sore breasts, I do not remember that with the girls. Not like this. I feel like someone is poking me with pins and needles. I still havent had any sickness Im not nauseated at all and so far the only thing that makes me feel sick is if the dog poops in the house, I just cannot clean it up I gag. I am sleeping better then I did befor about 6 hours + thats better then 4. Tomorrow I go to the dr again and hopefully get my blood test results. I got some maternity clothes ordered from JC Penneys and they came today. I tried them all on and they look like they will work. I have promised myself I am NOT gaining alot of weight. As you all know I am over weight anyway and have been working at loosing weight for the past 2 month. I have managed to take off 17 lbs and hope to loose more. The Dr said I dont have to worry about gaining because the baby will take what it needs. I am going to take that to heart!!! Im still walking 3 days a week for 45 minutes each time. I was supposed to walk today but my walking family bailed on me so I did go back to bed today. Im entitled Im pregnant.......lol

Updates!!!

2009-01-22T15:03:00.000-08:00

Today I had my first appointment. I am officially due September 20th. Which puts me at 5 weeks and 1 day. The baby is about the size of a grain of rice right now. Crazy huh!!! It was a hectic and draining day for myself. My appointment was at 9:45 am. I chose to dr in Staples with Dr Uhlman. Today I had an internal ultrasound done. That is something new since I had my youngest. It was fairly uneventfull as the zoom on there doesnt quite zoom in enough to see the baby really. However the gestational sac was there and everything looked as it should for someone in the month of pregnancy that I am in. I had blood work done. I do mean blood work. They drew ... count them...12 vials. Thats right 12. It was supposed to be 10 however I have horrible veins. They roll they drop away they are like rubber. 2 veins collapsed and we had to find anouther impossible site for drawing. The reason for all the blood letting is because of my history of blood clots. DVT's and PE's arent good things and I am now giving myself a single injection of lovenox everyday until the bun comes out. I wont have my genetic results for awhile but we are on the track to success hopefully. I was very shakey and couldnt walk well when I was done but some orange juice and lunch had me feeling a bit better. Im still feeling drained but tomorrow is a new day. I go in one week from today to meet with my dietician and have yet anouther internal ulrasound done........Its going to be my 2nd home I think next to work......lol

insane!!!

2009-01-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

So today started off like any other friday off. I got up and decided what to make for supper and headed to town to get the ingredients. No big deal right? WRONG!!! Befor the afternoon began I found out I was pregnant. Yeah ok let me back that up........Ok sooooooo while in town shopping. I was alone of course and I always replay my life for myself in my head go over things rationalize things that sort of thing. While going through my musings it dawned on me....when was my last monthly. Now Im sure for some of you that sounds a little strange. However you have to understand my life. I have 2 teenage daughters, a full time job and numerous health issues I worry about. So I came to the conclusion I really couldnt remember. I remembered it in Nov and I was pretty sure it was a normal period in December but I couldnt be sure. So on a whim I picked up a home pregancy test. I got home and though well go ahead what ya waiting for. I really wasnt fully expecting it to be positive however a big + sign was in my window. So after telling Adam or shocking him is more like it, I made a Dr app. Whithin an hour I had my result from them Positive. So there you have it. I am 39 and pregnant. I really cant add anything more because I have no clue when I could possibly be due and Im still kind of shell shocked. I will post more when I know more. Just praying for a healthy mom and a healthy baby!!!

updates

2009-01-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

Ok so it has been a month since I had my diabetes test done and found out my blood sugar was high. Not super high but high enough that the Dr was concerned. So I have been following a diabetic diet. ( low carbs low sugars ) Obviously lower calories. I am happy to report that my blood sugar has been lower the past few days alot lower then when I started. I do the whole finger poking thing like 6 times a day and its much better. Also an added bonus is I officially hit a weight loss of drum roll...................................................................15 lbs. Not bad not bad at all. I say its a bonus because I didnt go into this trying to loose weight. Although the Dr did recommend that I loose weight. So yes the goal was loose weight however I wanted to go into this with the mind set to get healthy. Thats the main goal. So Im very happy and it hasnt been to terribly hard really. Yes there are times Id give my right leg for some garlic toast or a slice of pizza a huge plate of nachos.......yummmmmmmmmmm oh anyway sorry lost my train of thought. The alternative to eating healthier is having diabetes, which runs in my family. My parents my brother etc. I dont want that. I would rather not eat the pizza and nachos and all that good stuff. So Ill stick with the lean cusine meals and the cheese and eggs and olives and pickles and beef summer sausage and cream of wheat and salads.....well you get the picture!!!

Life in 2009

2009-01-02T08:12:00.000-08:00

Ok so my life isnt all that terribly wild and crazy so lets say I just kind of slide into 2009. Adam and I went to some friends of ours Wednesday night. Kaylee my youngest daughter went to spend the night at a friends house and Kendra my oldest daughter was in the cities so we went over for good food and good friends and good company. Nobody hollared happy new year when it turned 12:00 we all just kind of said it to each other....lol. I know were so wild huh? It was fun though. New years day brought about a lazy do nothing sort of day. We did go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons and I totally recommend going and seeing it. I really liked it!! So now on to 2009 hmmm I debated on a new years resolution? To resolve or not resolve? Most resolutions are so cliche anyway. Im going to loose weight, stop smoking, blah blah blah.....why do we need a new year to do that? Dont get me wrong I undertsand the logic but Im just thinking our whole lives should be resolutions you know? When we mess up we vow to not make that same mistake again. Plain and simple. So no resolutions for me I guess. I decided 3 weeks ago for my health to eat better and try to fend off my thwarting future of diabetes so Im sticking with that. If you made a resolution stick to it!!! If you fall jump back ap and resolve again. You dont have to wait a whole year for that!!

really on my mind

2008-12-27T17:10:00.000-08:00

So christmas has come and gone......it went so fast didnt it?

So we celebrated Christmas eve with my parents here at home. Christmas morning we went to Adams parents. I ended up having a long talk with Adams mom which has been weighing on my mind since and I cant seem to shake it. As most of you know I have 2 teenage daughters from a previous marriage. I have been divorced for 11 years. Adam and I have been together a little over 3 years. Adam doesnt have any children he is 6 years younger then I am. He would like children he says I dont think personally hes ready for that but thats my opinion. His mother whom I adore dont get me wrong would also love granchildren. I dont know that I can do that. One I am almost 40 years old, and I have had a history of a DVT ( deep vein thrombosis ) and also two pulmonary embolisms that I got from the DVT. I dont know if a Dr would want me to have any more children. I worry I might increase my risk of blood clots by having more children. Adam also worries about this. Up to this point his mom has always said that it wasnt a big deal if we had children together or not. Until this week, she made it clear to me that grandchildren were very important to her. Where does that leave me? Feeling like I am going to fail her if I dont. She also informed me that she will neither encourage Adam to marry me or discourage him. Crazy huh? Yeah and I dont know what to think or how to get this out of my mind? It is bothering me. Maybe Im being over sensitive? I dont know........

Where has the time gone?

2008-12-21T18:12:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow I cannot beleive it is Christmas week. Where has the time gone? Where has my money gone? Ok so every year I always say Christmas is to commercial and I shouldnt feel the need to spend to much money. This year I have been pndering on why I do the same thing every year. I know Christmas is about the season and the birth of Christ. Heres what I think about spending money and all the frilly parts that go with it.
My children are my life....to say that I would lay down my life to spare theirs. I dont have the strength god had to give up his son. I guess Im not that giving huh? So I do feel the need to give at this time it overwhelms me. Not in a bad way in a good way. I love the feeling of giving. I love to see people enjoy things and the excitement of recieving. It makes me feel good. So I see things and Im moved to get them for the person I know needs them. I dont forget the reason for the season, just the opposite Im moved by it. I do what I can do. Is that a bad thing? I dont think so. So this year will be the same as the years befor while I sit for 2 hours watching everyone open their gifts I will reflect on why we recognize this day and give thanks for what was done for me and the people I love and enjoy what I was able to do for the people I love

Let it snow let it snow....

2008-12-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

Wow look at all the white stuff outside its crazy. We have had 0 snowfall until now and we got quite a bit today. If I had to guess Id say around 3 or so inches. Thats ok though because if memory serves me right ( and trust me it does ) the last winter when we had 0 snow fall my drain field froze up. Now for those of you who live in the city and probably always have, let me explain how a sewer system work in the country. You have a septic tank which collects all the waste and gray water from your home. It runs through a series of pipes into what is called a drain field. Basically this is an underground cemetary for all those lovely things we dont mention. The waste and water filter into the ground ( over a long period of time ) and everything keeps running smoothly. However if the ground freezes a solid freeze without any ground cover the drain field ceases to work properly. Which in conclusion is what happened to us 2 years ago. Not a fun thing to go through. Ill spare you the details and just end this by saying snow is good and lets hope for even more huh?

Its that time of year.....isnt it?

2008-12-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year. A time for joy, happiness and reflection on the previous year. I always try to think of ways to make next year better. I have so many things I'd like to improve about myself, my life. Not so much myself as a person just things in my life Id like to do differently. Things I want to do at all. Forgiveness is one thing. Well, not so much the forgiveness. I really don't have a problem forgiving people when they ask for it. I was raised that fighting, appologizing, and getting over it were as normal as the weather and breathing. So when someone says "I'm sorry, I believe it's ok. Its the forgetting and the letting go that I have trouble with.. Maybe it's ok not to forget, but how does one go about letting go of it? This is my issue.. I think I do a fairly good job of forgiving people. I know Im quick if I do something wrong to appologize and hope that I am forgiven so I try to do the same. Honestly I am very quick to forgive. I hate when people hold things against other people and dwell on them. I really, truly don't hold it against them. Trust me, I've done plenty of crappy stuff and I've been fortunate enough to be forgiven, so I'm not a fan of holding a grudge or refusing to forgive.But what about this: Someone has hurt you and yet, they either don't think they have hurt you or they refuse to admit that they have hurt you. How do you move on from that? How do you let go of something that you know is wrong and anyone who heard the story of what happened knows its wrong, except the person who did the wrong and they just dont see it. Thats the hard part!! Maybe its because I am always trying to hard, I dont know. If they don't think they've done anything wrong, how can you be sure they won't continue doing the same thing? How do you get anywhere? If you're dealing with people who just "don't get it," do you keep giving them chances? Here's my thing...we are all human. We all screw up. We all deserve chances. But I also believe that you have to set boundaries and at times pull yourself away from people who put you in this frame of mind. People who make you feel this way. Yet if you do that are you truly giving them a second chance , third chance etc. . So what do y'all think? When do you forgive, forget and pretend everything is A-OK again and when do you just decide to forgive and then move on, eliminating a person from your life as much as possible?

Happy Holidays they are upon us?

2008-12-02T20:42:00.000-08:00

My word who planned Thanksgiving and Christmas they way they did? Because seriously they should be drug out and tarred and feathered. Lets start with Christmas songs playing the day after Halloween? Honestly do you not think thats a bit early. Ok then this buisiness of only having a month to prepare for Christmas, after spending a month preparing for Thanksgiving. Its a system set up for failure. You spend half your fall and the first part of your winter either preparing or celebrating then cleaning up. Then January hits. What a bugger of a month. Nothing good there huh? cold snow more cold and more snow. Nothing to prepare for in January except the rising costs of gas prices and the bills from the previous holidays. Im thinking why not put Thanksgiving in like August. Then wed have Halloween in October wed have November to relax then December wed have Christmas. Cancel January after the 2st due to lack of interest on everyones part.

Why cant I fall apart?

2008-11-24T17:30:00.000-08:00

Ok so I miss the days as a teenager ( or maybe just non mom days ) when I could just fall apart. You know collapse on the bed in a chair and sob. You know release all those pent up tears and frustration all the anguish. The days when someone wasnt watching and I had to be tough. I dont really miss those days I just wish I didnt always have to be so tough. Folks for those of you without kids you will never know how tough parenting is until you experience it. Honestly labor is the smallest most easy part of becomming a mom. Its heartbreaking to see your kids hurt. I would trade just about anything to change places with them and take the hurt away. Then when the day id done I go off to my room and Im alone and then I cry. Not just a small teary eyed cry but a full fledged let it loose and bawl. You hold yourself and rock yourself. No one tells you its going to be ok except yourself. Sometimes its hard to listen to yourself. I try because I can be pretty convincing........Then I pull myself together dry my tears and get ready for the next fall because with every wonderful parenting moment I know I have to be strong

My hair hates me

2008-11-23T05:46:00.000-08:00

I first thought maybe my hair just liked to be in charge. You know Ill do what you want this day but tomorrow your gonna see who the boss is. I thought maybe my hair didnt like me when it started to go gray. I was hoping it wasnt true but alas Ive decided it is true it hates me. Im sure nothing is going to change either.........SIGH.......stay tuned for my hair sequel. ( Im sure there will be one )

S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y

2008-11-22T13:15:00.000-08:00

Ok so I dont get alot of Saturdays off......So when my daughter Kaylee said she was wanting some hours at DQ. I said "take mine " I will gladly take a vacation day. So do you know what Ive done today? I watched The Bucket List. Very good movie by the way if you get a chance see it. Other then that I have done NOTHING!!! Last night I cooked I cleaned and I rearanged my livingroom and today I am still in my PJ's. It is 3:30 and I dont even care. Hows that for taking it easy?

A day off

2008-11-20T19:45:00.000-08:00

Ok so I generally love Thursdays. They are my first day off for the week. I like to sleep in and take my time getting going in the morning, hang with my dog. All those good things. Today wasnt the case. I started off my weekend ( Thursday and Friday ) with getting a flat tire Wednesday. A bad flat. I came out of work and sure enough it was on the rim. Blah!!! It would not hold air and I could watch the tire going flat thats how bad it was. I called my boyfriend and he came and got me and brought me home. So this morning was spent calling tire shops and places to get the best tire deal I could get. I was going to just patch my tire, however I decided to get 4 new tires. Mine were shot anyway and I needed new ones so now was a good time. Also my 15 year old daughter was looking forward to taking her permit test. I had planned for a week to take her. Luckily my ever good to us boyfriend took us down there and Kaylee passed her test. I got my new tires and all was good in the world. I came home and opted to clean my fish aquarium, so now all is good in their world too.