to much to do

My boyfriend proposed........yep thats right proposed. It wasnt like all romantic and gushy. It was out of the blue and totally Adam style which makes it all the more better. So whithin a couple of days Im asking what date did you have in mind. I kinda figured hed gotten the proposal out it might take him awhile to nail down a specific date. Nope not my over procrastinating boyfriend um er finace. June 6th 2009.....yeah 2009. I have 3 and 1/2 months to plan a wedding. I can do Im crafty Im organized and I have lots of awesome friends and family that would love to help.
So Yesterday due to a snowstorm Kaylee was home and we decided to head to Brainerd to look at wedding gowns and bridesmaid gown etc. I am having both of my daughters stand up for me. We went over to VIP Bridal. They were awesome and I found the perfect dress for myself and the girls. We had a little lunch and went to look for wedding stuff......you know cups plates decorations etc. Now Im having my wedding at home so Im doing all the creations myself. I made my bouquet and the girls's too. Silk flowers all at 40% off at Joannes fabrics. Ribbon too. We sat and tied little decorations to 48 bubbles bottles and we put together 8 little brandy snifters with decorations in them and also 4 fish bowls with candles and decorations in them last night. Im no Martha Stewart but I think they look awesome. Simple and homemade and pretty. PERFECT!! Of course most of this is lost on Adam as I showed him my creations one at a time when I completed them. I told him simple and I guess his idea of simple was me wearing a gunny sac and maybe picking a flower out of the garden to hold onto. I dont know. He kept saying hmmmm thought we wernt going to spend alot of money. UMMM ok I thought I did really good. Honestly 85% of my decorations and supplies I got at the dollar store. I outfitted us with a complete dinner, and cake servive, plates, bowls, napkins, glasses, serving dishes, coffe cups, salt and pepper shakers, serving spoons, all my bubble bottels and decorations for them, my other outside decorations, card basket, table clothes, and numerous other things along with some sani wipes because lets face it stuff is dirty for drum roll....................$90 pretty darn good huh? I spent ...............$55 on flowers...... $70 on jewlry for me and the girls ...yeah I know awesome!!! Ok Ok so I did spend $1,000 on dresses, shoes, headpeices but I still dont think thats bad really? Do you?

life has a way of moving on

Tomorrow will be two weeks....not that Im a masochist, but I dont ever want to pretend that nothing happened either. I lost a baby and that will always remain a part of my life. These days I dont break out in tears very often so Im healing. Sometimes in the shower I get teary eyed and let the water works flow. I keep reminding myself that in a short couple of months we should be given a green light to try to get pregnant. Thats exciting!!! Im ready and Im anxiously awaiting to see the magical + sign again. Hope everyone had a wonderful Valentines day. I did!!

Back to life

Today is Saturday and today I go back to work. Im apprehensive...I dont want alot of attention and hugs and appologies. I want to carry myself with some dignity. Its nice to know people care dont get me wrong but its hard to conduct yourself in a matter that doesnt involve a breakdown when theres someone asking you about it all the time. It doesnt help for me to have to give the details of what happened. It re lives it for me. Right now Im concentrating on getting through the after math. I have to say there have been a hand full of people who have really truly helped me alot!!! My dear friend Cara who I have pestered with 1,001 questions and she has patiently answered and given advise on every one of them. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! My youngest daughter whom without her I dont know what I would have done. She had given me more back rubs and foot rubs then I deserve and I am blessed to have her as my daughter. Savannah and her lovely note she sent me you will never know how much those little things mean!! Evryone who sent flowers from DQ they are beautiful. Everyone who has sent messages and condolences. You caring has meant so much to me. Dont feel bad if you didnt call honestly I couldnt talk really any way it was to tough. I found it easier to message on the computer. So now I am heading back into the world and hoping that I dont get alot of people talking to me about "what happened " I dont know what happened all I know is it happened and it hurt and its more helpful to not have to give details just yet... because honestly I dont want to cry anymore.

Insult to inujury

I am 3 days into my journey after my miscarriage. No one ever tells you that there is so much pain. Im here to tell you that there is. Emotionally Im doing much better. Mentally Im in a better place too. Physically this sucks. I have never had a period that hurt or where I bled so much. The cramps that I had during the miscarriage were tremondous. I felt like I was in a lower level labor. I have also bled more since they said that the miscarriage was complete then when I was actually going through it. Is this normal? I havent researched it on line yet so Im going to do that soon. The Dr seemed to think I wouldnt bleed much longer as the ultrsound confirmed that the sac was gone however this is pretty extreme. I am wearing 2 maxi pads. Not just any pads but the ones that are as big as a diaper. The cramps are extreme. My back quit hurting but I feel as though everything female inside my body is going to plummet outside of me at any time. To me that is insult to injury. To still be bleeding is such a constant reminder. To still be hurting so much is ridiculous. Im still taking vicodin for the pain. I try to hold out as long as I can then Im in so much pain it takes forever to kick in.
However things I must tell you about my experience. I found that my boyfriend is the best I could ever ask for. I love him more each day but through this I have found that I am the luckiest girl on earth. He is the most supportive loving man I could ever ask for. When I was sitting on the bathroom floor puking and crying he held me and helped me up laid me down and covered me up. He knows just when to be sympethetic and when to try to make me laugh. He knows when to be there and when to back off. It fills me with love when I look at him to know that he put aside his own grief to take of me. How awesome is that? So for his birthday whioch is comming up on the 19th. I decided I was going to get him Timberwolves tickets. A time for us to bond get away. I booked awesome tickets and booked a 2 days hotel stay down in the cities. I told him about it when he got home from work. First he said OMG this is awesome!!! The he told me I spent to much ( which I did ) So I told him I said I thought this was a time for us to get away and reconnect........He looked at me and said "when did we disconnect?" How can you not love this man?

Pain beyond pain

This weekend started things in motion. I started spotting. Beyond everyone telling me that it didnt mean anything, I knew in my heart that it did. Sunday I was feeling better and had stopped and actually thought maybe they are right. Or at least I tried to convice myself of this. Yesterday I started spotting and cramping again and we rushed down to the Hospital. I passed numerous clots that I knew was my pregnancy. After waiting for hours and going through more blood tests and ultrasounds, I was told what I already knew my baby was gone. I dont think I have ever felt that kind of pain. Physically it hurt I couldnt hardly walk I was hurting so much which only compounded the emotional pain. I would never wish this on anyone. I feel as though someone has ripped my guts out. Even vicodin doesnt take away the reality. I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed Adam. I feel so guilty for bringing this pain on my family. It was the worst telling my little Kaylee she was so excited. Its a feeling that your body betrayed you. I asked why me so many times. Then I was angry.... I only slept about 2 hours last night. I know life will go on and things will get better but for now Im just praying for healing and peace