really on my mind

So christmas has come and gone......it went so fast didnt it?

So we celebrated Christmas eve with my parents here at home. Christmas morning we went to Adams parents. I ended up having a long talk with Adams mom which has been weighing on my mind since and I cant seem to shake it. As most of you know I have 2 teenage daughters from a previous marriage. I have been divorced for 11 years. Adam and I have been together a little over 3 years. Adam doesnt have any children he is 6 years younger then I am. He would like children he says I dont think personally hes ready for that but thats my opinion. His mother whom I adore dont get me wrong would also love granchildren. I dont know that I can do that. One I am almost 40 years old, and I have had a history of a DVT ( deep vein thrombosis ) and also two pulmonary embolisms that I got from the DVT. I dont know if a Dr would want me to have any more children. I worry I might increase my risk of blood clots by having more children. Adam also worries about this. Up to this point his mom has always said that it wasnt a big deal if we had children together or not. Until this week, she made it clear to me that grandchildren were very important to her. Where does that leave me? Feeling like I am going to fail her if I dont. She also informed me that she will neither encourage Adam to marry me or discourage him. Crazy huh? Yeah and I dont know what to think or how to get this out of my mind? It is bothering me. Maybe Im being over sensitive? I dont know........

Where has the time gone?

Holy Cow I cannot beleive it is Christmas week. Where has the time gone? Where has my money gone? Ok so every year I always say Christmas is to commercial and I shouldnt feel the need to spend to much money. This year I have been pndering on why I do the same thing every year. I know Christmas is about the season and the birth of Christ. Heres what I think about spending money and all the frilly parts that go with it.
My children are my life....to say that I would lay down my life to spare theirs. I dont have the strength god had to give up his son. I guess Im not that giving huh? So I do feel the need to give at this time it overwhelms me. Not in a bad way in a good way. I love the feeling of giving. I love to see people enjoy things and the excitement of recieving. It makes me feel good. So I see things and Im moved to get them for the person I know needs them. I dont forget the reason for the season, just the opposite Im moved by it. I do what I can do. Is that a bad thing? I dont think so. So this year will be the same as the years befor while I sit for 2 hours watching everyone open their gifts I will reflect on why we recognize this day and give thanks for what was done for me and the people I love and enjoy what I was able to do for the people I love

Let it snow let it snow....

Wow look at all the white stuff outside its crazy. We have had 0 snowfall until now and we got quite a bit today. If I had to guess Id say around 3 or so inches. Thats ok though because if memory serves me right ( and trust me it does ) the last winter when we had 0 snow fall my drain field froze up. Now for those of you who live in the city and probably always have, let me explain how a sewer system work in the country. You have a septic tank which collects all the waste and gray water from your home. It runs through a series of pipes into what is called a drain field. Basically this is an underground cemetary for all those lovely things we dont mention. The waste and water filter into the ground ( over a long period of time ) and everything keeps running smoothly. However if the ground freezes a solid freeze without any ground cover the drain field ceases to work properly. Which in conclusion is what happened to us 2 years ago. Not a fun thing to go through. Ill spare you the details and just end this by saying snow is good and lets hope for even more huh?

Its that time of year.....isnt it?

It's that time of year. A time for joy, happiness and reflection on the previous year. I always try to think of ways to make next year better. I have so many things I'd like to improve about myself, my life. Not so much myself as a person just things in my life Id like to do differently. Things I want to do at all. Forgiveness is one thing. Well, not so much the forgiveness. I really don't have a problem forgiving people when they ask for it. I was raised that fighting, appologizing, and getting over it were as normal as the weather and breathing. So when someone says "I'm sorry, I believe it's ok. Its the forgetting and the letting go that I have trouble with.. Maybe it's ok not to forget, but how does one go about letting go of it? This is my issue.. I think I do a fairly good job of forgiving people. I know Im quick if I do something wrong to appologize and hope that I am forgiven so I try to do the same. Honestly I am very quick to forgive. I hate when people hold things against other people and dwell on them. I really, truly don't hold it against them. Trust me, I've done plenty of crappy stuff and I've been fortunate enough to be forgiven, so I'm not a fan of holding a grudge or refusing to forgive.But what about this: Someone has hurt you and yet, they either don't think they have hurt you or they refuse to admit that they have hurt you. How do you move on from that? How do you let go of something that you know is wrong and anyone who heard the story of what happened knows its wrong, except the person who did the wrong and they just dont see it. Thats the hard part!! Maybe its because I am always trying to hard, I dont know. If they don't think they've done anything wrong, how can you be sure they won't continue doing the same thing? How do you get anywhere? If you're dealing with people who just "don't get it," do you keep giving them chances? Here's my thing...we are all human. We all screw up. We all deserve chances. But I also believe that you have to set boundaries and at times pull yourself away from people who put you in this frame of mind. People who make you feel this way. Yet if you do that are you truly giving them a second chance , third chance etc. . So what do y'all think? When do you forgive, forget and pretend everything is A-OK again and when do you just decide to forgive and then move on, eliminating a person from your life as much as possible?

Happy Holidays they are upon us?

My word who planned Thanksgiving and Christmas they way they did? Because seriously they should be drug out and tarred and feathered. Lets start with Christmas songs playing the day after Halloween? Honestly do you not think thats a bit early. Ok then this buisiness of only having a month to prepare for Christmas, after spending a month preparing for Thanksgiving. Its a system set up for failure. You spend half your fall and the first part of your winter either preparing or celebrating then cleaning up. Then January hits. What a bugger of a month. Nothing good there huh? cold snow more cold and more snow. Nothing to prepare for in January except the rising costs of gas prices and the bills from the previous holidays. Im thinking why not put Thanksgiving in like August. Then wed have Halloween in October wed have November to relax then December wed have Christmas. Cancel January after the 2st due to lack of interest on everyones part.

Why cant I fall apart?

Ok so I miss the days as a teenager ( or maybe just non mom days ) when I could just fall apart. You know collapse on the bed in a chair and sob. You know release all those pent up tears and frustration all the anguish. The days when someone wasnt watching and I had to be tough. I dont really miss those days I just wish I didnt always have to be so tough. Folks for those of you without kids you will never know how tough parenting is until you experience it. Honestly labor is the smallest most easy part of becomming a mom. Its heartbreaking to see your kids hurt. I would trade just about anything to change places with them and take the hurt away. Then when the day id done I go off to my room and Im alone and then I cry. Not just a small teary eyed cry but a full fledged let it loose and bawl. You hold yourself and rock yourself. No one tells you its going to be ok except yourself. Sometimes its hard to listen to yourself. I try because I can be pretty convincing........Then I pull myself together dry my tears and get ready for the next fall because with every wonderful parenting moment I know I have to be strong

My hair hates me

I first thought maybe my hair just liked to be in charge. You know Ill do what you want this day but tomorrow your gonna see who the boss is. I thought maybe my hair didnt like me when it started to go gray. I was hoping it wasnt true but alas Ive decided it is true it hates me. Im sure nothing is going to change either.........SIGH.......stay tuned for my hair sequel. ( Im sure there will be one )

S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y

Ok so I dont get alot of Saturdays off......So when my daughter Kaylee said she was wanting some hours at DQ. I said "take mine " I will gladly take a vacation day. So do you know what Ive done today? I watched The Bucket List. Very good movie by the way if you get a chance see it. Other then that I have done NOTHING!!! Last night I cooked I cleaned and I rearanged my livingroom and today I am still in my PJ's. It is 3:30 and I dont even care. Hows that for taking it easy?

A day off

Ok so I generally love Thursdays. They are my first day off for the week. I like to sleep in and take my time getting going in the morning, hang with my dog. All those good things. Today wasnt the case. I started off my weekend ( Thursday and Friday ) with getting a flat tire Wednesday. A bad flat. I came out of work and sure enough it was on the rim. Blah!!! It would not hold air and I could watch the tire going flat thats how bad it was. I called my boyfriend and he came and got me and brought me home. So this morning was spent calling tire shops and places to get the best tire deal I could get. I was going to just patch my tire, however I decided to get 4 new tires. Mine were shot anyway and I needed new ones so now was a good time. Also my 15 year old daughter was looking forward to taking her permit test. I had planned for a week to take her. Luckily my ever good to us boyfriend took us down there and Kaylee passed her test. I got my new tires and all was good in the world. I came home and opted to clean my fish aquarium, so now all is good in their world too.